(If this was sent to you by your daughter… then she has something she wants to say:)
Happy Mother’s Day.
“I am sorry.”
You see, now that I am a mother, I have a whole new perspective on motherhood. Hindsight is funny that way… we can look back on life and have our “aha” moments 20 years later. For me, it really wasn’t until I was in the driver’s seat of mothering that I finally understood it all. The sacrifices, the intense love, (the sleep deprivation), the constant fear and the indescribable joy. But as I continue on my own journey in motherhood, I can’t help but to think back to yours…
I am sorry that I didn’t realize until I was a mother all the things you gave up for our family. All the hard work, late nights, hours spent in the kitchen & the laundry room. The juggling of being a working mom and shuttling us to our practices and games that you never missed. The homework help, costume making, the Barbie playing. You did it all.
I am sorry I made bedtime so annoying with one-more-story and I-need-a-drink and I’m-suddenly-afraid-of-the-dark and can-I sleep-in-your-bed? (Not to mention the nights I stood next to your bed watching you sleep hoping you would wake up and let me in your bed– so creepy, I know.) Because now that I am a mother, I am getting all the stalls before bed and I just want everyone TO GO TO SLEEP for heaven’s sake (and for my sake). Sleep is good and also a thing of the past.
I am sorry that I took you for granted. You were my mom and did all the mom things– except that you were amazing and the best.mom.ever. I thought all moms were like you and hey- all moms have their own good thing going, but you were exceptional. Did I ever let you know this? I should have. I am sorry if I didn’t.
I am sorry for all the headaches I caused. Yes, I am guilty of being seventeen once and thinking I knew it all. I was invincible and I am sure I caused a few sleepless nights. (Or many). I didn’t understand how it felt to be a mother and have your heart walking around outside your chest. And all the worry that comes with that. Now that I am a mother, I understand. I am sorry.
I am sorry for any sass-talking, attitude-giving, eye-rolling that may have occurred (absolutely occurred)… and for all the complaining (years of complaining). I guess for every ounce of this I dished out, it’s coming back from my own kids x 2. Rightfully so I suppose.
I am sorry I made you do stupid things. I am sorry for the ridiculous requests that were never-ending (that you didn’t even bat an eye at.) For the trips to the mall to buy the “it” thing, for altering my clothes last minute and for catching me in a lie. (Not to mention saying yes to all the pets I brought home- all the time.) I am sorry.
I am sorry that I wasn’t helpful. I don’t ever remember helping with supper or with laundry. I couldn’t even keep my own room clean or make my bed for that matter. I wish I would have helped out more and taken some of the load off of you. I am sorry.
I am sorry I wasn’t there for you… it couldn’t have been easy– keeping everything in order and running smoothly. You made it look easy but, now that I am a mother, I know better. I am sorry I didn’t ask about you. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you the way you were for me.
I am sorry I didn’t say “I love you” enough. Sure, I have said this to you and continue to do so… but now as a mother, I realize you can never say it too much. And I am certain I didn’t say it enough.
I am sorry that I didn’t think I needed you– that I could do this without you. The truth is, everyday I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could have your strength, your grace, your kindness. I can only do this with you by my side… still holding my hand and telling me everything is going to be ok. I still need you and I am sorry for ever thinking I didn’t.
I am sorry that it took me so many years and becoming a mother myself til I fully understood what the word ‘mom’ means and everything that goes into that word. The sacrifices, the worries, the crazy/never-ending love. I get it now. I am sorry it took so long.
Mom, I was just going to get you a card, but I had more I needed to say. It’s never too late to say, “I am sorry.”
I love you.